What is required of a Master?

kaya, over in her journal, just put up a fascinating rambling muse on what a Master “has to” do.

I quote the most relevant part here:

One comment contained a quote from luna_lux that made me think. She said: “i read something a while ago about the difference between “agreement” and “submission”. if i agree that everything that’s done to me is erotic and comfortable and makes me happy, then i am not submitting, i am *agreeing* to obey. i submit when i comply and obey and am forced to do things that i am not in agreement with. ”

That’s probably why there is a trend among submissives to begin to feel un-owned. To think that the leash has been let go when in truth nothing has changed. When the rules become commonplace and the service is routine and the play is repetitive… what was once edgy becomes standard.

ADL’s. Activities of Daily Living: The things we normally do in daily living including any daily activity we perform for self-care (such as feeding ourselves, bathing, dressing, grooming), work, homemaking, and leisure. The ability or inability to perform ADLs can be used as a very practical measure of ability/disability in many disorders. (from MedTerms.com)

ADS’s. Activities of Daily Submission: The things we normally do in daily living, including any daily activity we perform in service or worship (such as sexual favors, s&m participation, maid duties, serving) for our Owners. The ability or inability to perform ADS’s can be used as a practical measure of contentment/happiness in many submissives. (from me)

How often, and how quickly, do those ADS’s become that “agreeable, erotic, comfortable and make me happy” routine that fails to stimulate the submissive’s nature. The need and hunger and ache that attracted a submissive to submission in the first place? And how hard do they then start begging, asking and pushing for more? Desperate to feel this: “i submit when i comply and obey and am forced to do things that i am not in agreement with.”

Desperate to feel submission, and not simple agreement.

And how hard will a Dom fight that? Fighting the ever-popular ‘topping from the bottom’, resistant to giving a submissive what feeds her. Determined not to be manipulated or led or coerced into changing the rules he likes, unwilling to up the ante purely for the submissive’s sake.

Or maybe he is willing to placate her desires and lays down things he cares nothing about. A quick fix for a big problem, a rule list that not even SuperDom could police. The submissive becomes another full time job that he can’t keep up with, and worse, his disinterest creates doubt and fear in her, making the “reward” that he should get a non-existent prize.

What a negative and vicious cycle that is. And neither of them with any ill-intent at all, I’d bet. I can confidently say that because I’ve been in it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I’ve been through this very thing. A couple months ago, I felt deeply unhappy because it felt like things were getting too comfortable for me, that my limits were not being pushed anymore.

I of course then did the “smother the feelings down until you have a break-down” method, that is so successful for everyone who tries it. :{

When things finally came to a head, and my Master got the full story from me, he pointed out that I have simply gotten used to a pretty heavy service daily life (the wonderful “ADS” term that kaya coined) and I don’t see them as slave-labour any more — it’s just happy normal base-line to me now.

So, as per usual, kaya hits the nail right on the head.

Which makes me wish she’d hurry up and come up with the solution!

Things have gotten a lot better for my Master and me after that talk. But they aren’t perfect. I still don’t feel like “enough” BDSM is happening.

However, he is perfectly content. And of course, this leads to the problem that he’s the Master, so the whole point of the exercise should be that he is happy and content, and as a slave, my comfort is at best second-place, if even considered.

And I’m fine with that … as long as it’s active discomfort. Like the kind from having to kneel on a hard floor. Or having to do my work despite a bottom that’s painfully striped with cane weals. But passive discomfort: the knowledge that we haven’t played in X number of days, and counting (because, of course, I always am) — that’s not something I have handled very well so far.

And honestly, I’m at a loss. When we talk, what he says makes sense. It’s more convienient right now for the BDSM to be tamped down, as we head into the final stretch of wedding planning. He tells me there will be ups and downs in how active play will be. It all make sense, intellectually.

But emotionally? I want to play! All the time! I want to be kept firmly in line, disciplined for every infraction (or just disciplined because he feels I need some extra reinforcement, or just because he wants to.) I want spankings every day, and canings almost that often, and even the nasty old tawse to tan my hide more regularly. I want him to make me say, “Please, Sir” every time I ask for something, and, and, and…!

And I don’t know what to do.  Should I act out in hopes of punishment?  Should I keep being good and hope for the best?  Should I give up and say, “You just can’t get that outside of fantasy novels,” and just live in my head?

I don’t know.  I do know that I’m tired today, and frustrated with trying to finish up the jobby-job I hate, and scared for the future of trying to get new jobs, and perhaps still a bit jet-lagged.  And so perhaps by the next post I’ll say that everything is great and I’m perfectly happy.

I’ll close with more of kaya’s thoughts, as they are more coherant than mine:

In the comments on the Opinion’s post , rayne, of Insatiable Desire said this:

In a Master/slave relationship? The burden lies with the slave. A master is free to do pretty much whatever the hell he wants. Including waffle. Before, during and after training. Granted it’s probably better to be consistent and not always give in at least in the beginning while building the foundation of the slave’s training, he really doesn’t have to. It’s the master’s responsibility to train the slave in the way most pleasing to him. It is her responsibility to remain in her place.

I admit I don’t like to hear that. Because then I have to fix myself instead of pointing to Master and saying “YOU are doing it wrong.”

And who wants to see their own faults? Not me.

But we have been exactly right there. EXACTLY in that spot with me having to stop the finger pointing. Or, to have Master take my pointing little finger, turn it around, and tap it gently (or not so gently) against my breastbone.

That happens about once a month or so.

I have said to Master, in many repeated conversations, that yes of course he has the right to do “this” however he wants to. In whatever manner pleases him. He can be a hardass or a waffler, he can ignore me or use me or.. whatever. It is not my place to dictate the details.

But. For every action, or non-action on his part, there is a reaction on my part.

How could there NOT be? How can I claim to be so in tune with him, so deeply and psychologically affected by him, and then maintain myself so strictly and stoically apart from whatever it is that he is doing?

It seems simple cause and effect. A lackluster Master gets a lackluster slave. An attentive Master gets an attentive slave. A waffling Master gets a waffling slave. A strict Master gets a well-behaved slave. I mean, isn’t the whole point that the Master *creates* the type of slave that he desires? How does that happen if I essentially ignore his input and do it my way the whole time?

If my inclination is to be a submissive and my job is to submit, and I can maintain that strict submission regardless of the input that he’s putting in? I simply do NOT see how I would be expected to react so easily and so strongly TO his input. He doesn’t want me to be doing things on my own, in any fashion. So is one expected to maintain themselves while still fostering that insane independence?

I think, maybe, if I’m understanding rayne’s comment, you take an established M/s relationship where the expectations are clear and at certain times, life interferes in some way or another. At that point, and in MY relationship, the burden falls on the slave. I know my rules, I know what’s expected of me, so if there are deliberate failings, then yeah, my fault. I fucked up.

If he excuses it, or ignores it, or worse, approves of my “fuck up”, then he is also at fault. That in no way lessens my mistake, don’t get me wrong. I think it just then becomes a dual, and equally shared, fuck up. Which, if not nipped in the bud, becomes a self-destructive pattern.

It wouldn’t be as cut and dried as me saying “Oh lookie. I made a mistake. What are YOU going to do about it?” But maybe I do think it should be HIM saying “Look. You made a mistake. What are YOU going to do about it, and what am I going to do to make sure you don’t make this same mistake tomorrow?”